Disillusionment by Victoria Ellingham

I don’t have many regrets in life, I did what I do. I walk through this existence, without one thought or two.
But whenever your face appears, from the abyss in the back of my mind,
From all those years ago, days I’ve tried so hard to hide.
Tangled up in a web, interoperating in a world of hype,
I’m reminded I gave up, most likely, the best thing in my life
The sad part of this, my heart was set in stone

For a boy who I once admired, now I wish left me alone.
He once had a spark, now that spark is extinguished,
With conversations consisting of him correcting my English

There’s no sleep for the hungry tonight,
Only you, that voice, can make it right.

I can hear your voice taunting and teasing me, in the back of my head,
Clawing diligently at my insides, as I slip deeper into the blankets of my bed.
Stick figures, razor sharp images, perfect straight lines,
Force me to achieve what I want and will be mine.
Cause the pain is nothing compared to the result.

I will prove to you I am not weak, there’s no more fault.
And I need you more than ever; I need you when I shouldn’t.
Yes I need you more than ever, although I said I couldn’t.

Now it’s 2 am and your voice is getting louder,
With my thoughts, I’m no longer the bounder.
Images are burrowing into my brain further, ever deeper.
Though you hurt me I’ll make you my keeper.
With eyes, mouth, ears, mind, hands, you are my guide

But I realised staying with you, I will surely die.
I have embraced you and pushed away all others.
Family, friends, acquaintances and all my lovers.

Because I need you more than ever; I know I need you when I shouldn’t.
I forsaken everyone else for you, I did it because the voice said I couldn’t.

By Victoria Ellingham

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